The most common way women unknowingly start arguments with their intimate partners is by not being direct when they share their feelings. Instead of directly expressing her dislike or disappointment, a woman asks rhetorical questions and communicates her disapproval. Even though this is often not the message she wants to give.
A common example of this dynamic occurs when a man arrives late. Rather than saying directly, “I don’t like waiting for you when you are late,” or, “I was worried that something had happened to you.” She will instead ask a serious of rhetorical questions, such as: “How could you be so late?” or “What am I supposed to think when you’re late?” or “Don’t you think you could have called?”
Often when a woman is upset the tone of her voice reveals that she is not looking for a valid answer but is making the point that there is no acceptable reason for the offending behavior. At the same time, what a man hears in questions like, “Why didn’t you call?” is her admonishment of his action regardless of his reasons. Worse, he feels her intrusive desire to help him be a more responsible individual. He in turn becomes defensive, while she has no knowledge of how painful her disapproval is to him.
Here’s the key, as we suggested in yesterday’s column, “How Men Unknowingly Start Arguments,” just as women need validation, men need approval. And the more a man loves a woman, the more he needs her approval. When a woman withdraws her approval it is particularly painful to a man.
A woman can, however, learn to disagree with a man’s behavior and still approve of who he is. In fact, one of the reasons relationships are so successful in the beginning is that a man is still in a woman’s good graces. At this time he is still her hero. Receiving her blessing has him riding high. Bt as he acts in ways that incur her disapproval and disappointment he falls from her grace.
When a man hears a woman’s disapproving tone it does not mitigate his behavior it only adds to his frustration and resentment. What a man fails to understand, as we discussed yesterday, is that while he is eager to justify and rationalize his offense, in this case being late, it is far better for him to take the time to listen to her issues and validate her feelings.
When a woman lists a number of rhetorical questions, rather than simply stating her direct issue, what a man’s competitive nature hears is a tone of superiority. That is only going to offend a male further and make him less likely to please when the same situation occurs at a later date.
Although it may go against her basic Venusian instinct, a woman should endeavor to state her direct concern or frustration, not in a way that admonishes or expresses disapproval, but merely to express the thought that when this situation occurs in the future, she has made clear her issues.
************************
This was the second of a two-part series about the anatomy of arguments. Both articles were based on themes from Chapter Nine of John’s mega bestseller, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. The chapter entitled “How to Avoid Arguments,” provides a wealth of information on this subject. You can also read more on this topic here on Mars Venus Living by following these article links to “Eight Mistakes Men Make in a Fight,” and, “Eight Mistakes Women Make in a Fight.”
